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January 01, 2008
A Call for More Hymn Parodies
You may remember the entertaining set of hymns some of you provided in response to my A Call to Hymn Parodies. With the January/February issue, we have started publishing a selection in the Quodlibet section, under the title "Hymns for a New World."
I'd be grateful if any of you wanted to contribute more hymns, also for possible publication. As I wrote last time, the trick is to 1) either use a familiar hymn as your basis or a form that sounds like a classic hymn or, okay, praise song; 2) write a verse or verses that can be sung and sung well to its tune; and 3) write verses that are just close enough to what our liberals (defined very broadly) might say to be a plausible hymn. In other words, the best parody sounds like something they might sing with abandon, if they didn’t have a little voice that tells them when they’re going too far.
Please put your hymns in the comment section. Thank you in advance for the pleasure and merriment your hymns will give the rest of us.
Posted by David Mills at 10:15 PM | Permalink
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Comments
would there be copyright issues if we just quoted some CCM?
Posted by: labrialumn | Jan 2, 2008 12:24:23 AM
Labrialumn,
While there are no doubt CCM pieces which could cause merriment, I don't think that's what's being called for here. Here, intentional *parodies* are called for, not unintended nonsense passing as praise and worship.
Posted by: Wolf Paul | Jan 2, 2008 1:07:12 AM
Mr. Paul--
I'm going out on a limb here and saying Labrialumn was being facetious. Of course he knows there's copyright issues, which makes the question itself moot--just pointing out the theological vapidness of 90% (99%?) of that particularly "genre."
Posted by: Michael | Jan 2, 2008 1:53:40 AM
This isn't what you're looking for, but it amused me to compose it after a round of singing traditional folk tunes with my pals, and I thought it might entertain.
Sung to the tune of 'Waltzing Matilda'in honor of Pope Leo the Great;
Once a Holy Pontiff knelt beside the Mincio,
Under the shield of an amnesty,
And he prayed as he knelt and waited for the hun to come,
"Who'll come a'halting Attila with me?"
"Halting Attila, halting Attila,
Who'll come a'halting Attila with me?"
And he prayed as he knelt and waited for the hun to come,
"Who'll come a'halting Attila with me?"
Maybe you can file this under "What popular music would be if we still had a Christian culture"
That could be a fun thread...
Posted by: windmilltilter | Jan 2, 2008 9:48:34 AM
I've had this one lying around since seminary, looking for a publisher.
PRAISE WE NOW THAT BLESSED LANGUAGE
(Tune, REGENT SQUARE)
Praise we now that blessed language,
inclusive of all who breathe!
Wipe out ref'rences to gender,
strike out all that may offend!
Alleluia! Alleluia! Ancient texts we now amend!
"Thee" and "Thou" are gone forever;
God we make our buddy good.
"You" and "Your" make God more friendly,
but don't e'er say "Him" or "He!"
Alleluia! Alleluia! Relevant all hymns must be!
Next we take the ancient hymn tunes
and change them to modern ones:
Sick'ning chords in awful clusters,
horr'ble, fright'ning sounds galore!
Alleluia! Alleluia! Now your ears cry out, "No more!"
Posted by: James Gibson | Jan 2, 2008 10:06:23 AM
Immoral! Most visible! Our god is our size!
We look in the mirror and fill up our eyes!
We're youthful and glorious, we live out our days
With getting and selling our own names we praise.
Our Church is a shambles but we hardly care!
The people are fleeing for parts everywhere!
There's no need to worry 'bout emptying pews
While we rewrite the Bible to say what we choose.
Be you hetero- or homo-, it don't make a diff!
We're accepting of anything, just don't call us stiff!
Put women in orders, keep circling the drain
We love what we're doing though it's hardly sane.
So modern, so open, so up-to-date we!
Don't bore us with catcalls about sanctity!
Have faith in the Scripture? Don't cause us to grin
We'll tell you what it means and never say "sin."
We're marching eyes forward to e-ter-ni-ty!
We never look backward for fear what we'd see!
So give us a break and shut all your big traps
You faithful believers are a big bunch of saps.
Rely on God's mercy to save us from Hell?
There's no need, we tell you, we're all doing well!
We don't need parishioners whose trust we enjoyed
Endowments and trust funds will keep us employed.
Posted by: Dcn. Michael D. Harmon | Jan 2, 2008 10:40:39 AM
Here's an attempt:
Praise him who comes out
From whom all hang ups die out
Praise him, all creatures here above
Praise father, Beast and World!
Posted by: David Alexander | Jan 2, 2008 11:17:59 AM
This is an old one I once put together. It only targets flakes like the Jesus Seminar, rather than parodies them, so perhaps it doesn't qualify:
Were you there when they marketed my Lord?
Were you there when they marketed my Lord?
Oh sometimes it causes me to tremble, tremble, tremble.
Were you there when they marketed my Lord?
Were you there when they focus-grouped His Word?
Were you there when they focus-grouped His Word?
Oh sometimes it causes me to tremble, tremble, tremble.
Were you there when they focus-grouped His Word?
Were you there when they rewrote His True Life?
Were you there when they rewrote His True Life?
Oh sometimes it causes me to tremble, tremble, tremble.
Were you there when they rewrote His True Life?
Were you there when they mammonized His Birth?
Were you there when they mammonized His Birth?
Oh sometimes it causes me to tremble, tremble, tremble.
Were you there when they mammonized His Birth?
Were you there when they marketed my Lord?
Were you there when they marketed my Lord?
Oh sometimes it causes me to tremble, tremble, tremble.
Were you there when they marketed my Lord?
Posted by: Kevin Jones | Jan 2, 2008 2:36:58 PM
With apologies to Charles Wesley
Jesus, Lover of my soul,
I applaud your taste in me.
I'll complete and make you whole,
Requiting indulgently.
Charmed enough to overlook
How you claim to be above,
I'll write me into your Book:
After all, what's not to love?
Posted by: Joel Tate | Jan 2, 2008 3:53:19 PM
I can't write this kind of thing but I can appreciate them, which I do, all of them. Joel Tate's made me laugh out loud.
Posted by: Judy Warner | Jan 2, 2008 4:08:30 PM
Our Church’s one foundation
is spir’tuality,
Our depth of soul, whatever
religion we may be –
To gaze with awe on mountains,
laugh at a butterfly,
To smile back at a rainbow,
or tenderly to cry.
We press no rigid dogmas:
new truths may yet emerge.
We walk our separate pathways,
oft fated to diverge.
We trail no tyrant’s banner,
we gather ’round no throne:
To be to self authentic
means each must be alone.
Tradition camouflages
exclusion, pow’r, and hate.
“God saves you from yourself,” say
feign keepers of the faith.
But we don’t need repentance.
Embrace your shadow side!
Be slave to no communion,
but with yourself abide.
Posted by: DGP | Jan 2, 2008 5:19:32 PM
Joe Bailey had some including
Amazing grace that saved a wretch like you
Our churches one foundation is tax deductable
Jesus I am resting resting resting resting
We have fought the good fight the battle is over
and won, our church has split and my side won.
Posted by: Graham Cochenet | Jan 2, 2008 6:00:14 PM
My blow against the prosperity gospel:
Come thou fount of every Blessing
Tune thy heart to sing my praise
Streams of money, never ceasing
Will follow me to the end of days
Tell me the true ways to riches
Show me how to get enough
Fill my account, scratch my itches
Prosperity is your sign of love
Here I’ll raise my total income
Thither by thy help I’ll be
And I hope that self-same income
Will most surely come to me.
Jesus wants me to be wealthy,
Filthy rich to surely be.
Blessed only are the healthy
Rich and hale I’ll surely be!
To Citibank how great a debtor
Monthly I’m constrained to be
Let my martini be ever wetter
Let single malt so handy be.
Destined for wealth, Lord, I feel it.
Destined for riches from above;
Here’s my wallet, oh take and fill it
Fill it from coffers above
Posted by: Bobby Winters | Jan 2, 2008 6:19:21 PM
On a hill far away stood an old rugged cross,
A moon, and a six-pointed star;
And I love that old hill, where the dearest and best
Can gather whoever they are.
(refrain)
So I'll cherish the old rugged cross
Till my trophies at last I lay down;
I will cling to the old rugged cross
And exchange it someday for a crown.
O that old rugged cross, so despised by the world,
Has a wonderous attraction for me;
For the dear neighborhood, when around here all stood,
Became a new community.
(refrain)
Posted by: Clifford Simon | Jan 2, 2008 6:24:58 PM
Facetious, yes. but some of them do rise (descend?) to the level of unwitting self-parody.
I see we have a new theme for Lambeth '08!
Count Zinzendorf, not Charles Wesley.
Posted by: labrialumn | Jan 3, 2008 2:02:04 AM
A seasonal reworking of Silent Night:
Clamorous night, riotous night,
All is sold, let us fight;
Round yon iphone, last in the store,
Who knows when they’ll order some more;
Sleep in advertised peace,
Sleep in advertised peace.
Clamorous night, riotous night,
Store clerks quake at the sight;
Legions stream from suburbs not far
Golden oldies sing Alleluia!
Shopping season is born,
Shopping season is born!
Clamorous night, riotous night,
Wondrous card, lend thy might;
Credit buys what we don’t have in cash,
All these things that end up in the trash;
Shopping season is born,
Shopping season is born!
Posted by: Patrick Davis | Jan 3, 2008 9:53:46 AM
Poking fun here at my tradition's tendency to elevate the mind over the spiritual or physical experience. ;-)
Reformed, How I Love to Proclaim It!
Reformed, how I love to proclaim it!
Reformed by the blood of the Lamb;
Reformed through His infinite mercy,
His prodigy and far better I am.
Refrain
Reformed, Reformed,
Reformed by the blood of the Lamb;
Reformed, Reformed,
His prodigy and far better I am.
Reformed, and so confident in knowledge,
No questions my arguments can't squelch;
I know that the power of my intellect
Within me doth continually swell.
Refrain
I think of the blessed Reformers,
I think of them all the day long:
I sing, for they cannot be silenced;
Semper Reformata 'tis our theme song.
Refrain
I know none of my culture is wasted,
See all th' aspiring pupils like me,
And soon, with the status I've purchased,
Equal with the Lord I shall be.
Refrain
Posted by: Scott | Jan 3, 2008 10:31:41 AM
(to the tune of the Navy Hymn)
Infernal bother, wrong to save;
Mankind’s a pest, cradle to grave -
Pollutes the mighty ocean deep,
And fails the Kyoto rules to keep.
Oh hear us as we curse at thee:
Why must you drive an SUV?
Infernal bother, guzzling gas
As by my Prius you blow past –
Your reckless ways upon me grate:
Why must you overpopulate?
For there are just enough of me –
But far, far, too many of thee.
Posted by: Joe Long | Jan 3, 2008 11:43:00 AM
Joe Long has a gift for this!
Posted by: DGP | Jan 3, 2008 4:31:22 PM
"Joe Long has a gift for this!"
I nominate Joe to be our MC Poet Laureate.
Posted by: Bill R | Jan 3, 2008 4:44:54 PM
I'll second that nomination
Posted by: W.E.D. Godbold | Jan 3, 2008 5:46:26 PM
Well, I am way a head of Bill and Gene on this one. See my post on the Help With Rude Comment's thread at http://merecomments.typepad.com/merecomments/2007/06/help_with_rude_.html
Joe,
If we exclude the editors from honorific titles (which would foreclose the obvious choice of Dr. Esolen), then I vote for you as Poet Laureate of Mere Comments. :-)
Posted by: GL | Jun 13, 2007 4:23:11 PM
Posted by: GL | Jan 3, 2008 7:00:15 PM
Well then, I nominate GL to be Chief Prophet for MC. ;-)
Posted by: Bill R | Jan 3, 2008 7:06:39 PM
>>Well then, I nominate GL to be Chief Prophet for MC. ;-)
Tsk! He's no better than a shepherd or a dresser of figs.
Posted by: DGP | Jan 4, 2008 11:54:48 AM
"Tsk! He's no better than a shepherd or a dresser of figs."
"Chief Fig Dresser of MC." I think it gives the wrong impression....
Posted by: Bill R | Jan 4, 2008 12:03:40 PM
>>"Chief Fig Dresser of MC." I think it gives the wrong impression....
Hah! As does "MC Best Dresser."
Posted by: DGP | Jan 4, 2008 4:08:08 PM
I see how it is. Having some fun at my expense . . . ;-)
Actually, I am no prophet. I recognized earlier than others the bard's talents. (See Stuart and my debate last spring over whether Jesus prophesied (my position) or merely predicted based on the evidence (Stuart's position) the destruction of the Temple. ;-))
Posted by: GL | Jan 4, 2008 4:16:09 PM
>>I see how it is. Having some fun at my expense . . . ;-)
I hope the original "dresser of figs" is as patient as you with my humor -- otherwise, I'm in for a lot of "woe unto thee"s.
>>See Stuart and my debate last spring over whether Jesus prophesied (my position) or merely predicted based on the evidence (Stuart's position) the destruction of the Temple. ;-)
Is there a difference? Granted, for most of us, prophecy is distinguished from prediction by its peculiarly divine authorization. But in Jesus' case, in which the person doing the predicting happens to be the 2nd Person of the Trinity, and for whom even his human intelligence expresses divine knowledge, can one make such a distinction?
Posted by: DGP | Jan 4, 2008 5:51:12 PM
DGP,
That's an excellent point. I think that--unlike us most of the time--Jesus knew when he knew something (and also knew when he didn't).
Forgive a literary example that provides just a taste of this: CSL describes Ransom's cogitations as he considers physical combat with the Un-man. He debates the utility/futility of such an approach with himself. Then, as this goes on, the conviction arises in him--seemingly from outside himself--the he will face the possessed Weston. He mentions that feeling this is like experiencing a "lived myth" (I'm quoting from memory, I could be a bit off). I think that this is how Jesus experienced a lot of his life walking in the perfect will of the Father (possible exceptions include the temptation experience in the desert and, more likely, the cross). Personal anecdote: I once received a similar certainty through a dream that, after six male children, we would one day have a little girl. Nearly two years later it "came true".
Posted by: W.E.D. Godbold | Jan 7, 2008 1:21:10 PM
(to the tune of "Dear Lord & Father of Mankind")
Dear Lover of all humankind
Correct our false belief
That we should follow any laws
That inconvenience us, or cause
Us pain or mental grief.
"Find your own faith!" we now have heard
From learned Ph.D.s.
"Do what seems best in your own eyes
And we your faith will rationalize
In a decade or three."
Posted by: Yaknyeti | Jan 7, 2008 2:34:16 PM
At the Contemporary Winter Holiday Service
---------------------
O Come all ye wanting, weak and insecure,
O Come ye, O come ye and help yeselves!
Come and behold Him, boon of all your problems.
"I feel I have a need
I feel I have a need
I feel I have a need, Christ, my nurse."
O busy town of Bethlehem, how high thy numbers fly!
Between thy fourteen Services, so many hurry by.
Everybody and his Mother, might catch a piece of light:
Pack the pews, and the good news will float skin-deep tonight.
Posted by: Clifford Simon | Jan 10, 2008 2:40:42 AM
To "All Creatures of Our God and King"
All creatures you must heed the call
Confirm the Kyoto Protocol,
Al-Gore-luia, Al-Gore-luia!
We'll never drive an SUV,
Maybe next year we'll vote for Green!
O Ralph Nader! Ms. McKinney!
Algoreluia! Algoreluia! Algoreluia!
All creatures of the land and sea
All carbon neutral you must be,
Al Gore told you! Al Gore told you!
Some say his science's kinda loose,
That's just an inconvenient truth!
O elect him! O elect him!
Algoreluia! Algoreluia! Algoreluia!
Posted by: Patrick Davis | Jan 10, 2008 8:21:47 AM
Schlock of ages, just for me;
Pure sentimentality!
Let me sing love songs divine -
Change the water, into whine -
To my feelings pandering -
Schlock of ages, let me sing!
Not the Church the Savior's bride
Makes me feel all warm inside!
Not for me the corporate sense!
(Oh, these feelings so intense!)
Be uplifted, oh my soul -
Put me in the starring role!
While I sing my breathy songs,
Make the men all sing along!
Not to do so, would be rude;
Don't distract me, as I'm woo'd!
Schlock of ages, be for me
Divine romantic comedy!
(Yes, we sang "like a rose trampled on the ground" this morning - "and thought of ME, above all".)
Posted by: Joe Long | Feb 10, 2008 12:05:04 PM
>>>Make the men all sing along!<<<
Don't you mean "make the people sing along," Joe?
Posted by: Judy K. Warner | Feb 10, 2008 2:36:35 PM
Certainly not this time, Judy! This one's not so much for the "gender inclusive" crowd, but for the "sickly sweet mall-Christianity" crowd.
At least where I've seen this attitude, most of the women don't have to be "made" to sing the "Jesus-is-my-boyfriend" songs, but to us XY's it's a little different...
Posted by: Joe Long | Feb 11, 2008 11:17:39 AM
Yes, I take your point.
Posted by: Judy K. Warner | Feb 11, 2008 12:28:23 PM
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