Dear Guy: Get Some Courage

I couldn't help but follow a link to this pathetic letter:

DEAR ABBY: Last night I was having trouble accessing the Internet on my computer and wanted to see if my wife's laptop was having the same problem. When I opened her computer, I found she had left open an e-mail from a family friend, and my name caught my eye.

I didn't read any further, and I haven't mentioned to my wife that I saw it. I can understand what's behind it -- I'm almost 40 and I've gained a lot of weight in recent years. I have never been a great husband, and my wife has made it clear she doesn't feel the same way about me as she once did. The man who wrote to her is a really nice person, and I trust both of them enough that I doubt there is anything physical going on. They're just trying to deal with their emotions. Complicating things, my wife and I have an 8-year-old daughter.

What should I do? I want my wife to be happy, and maybe she'd be happier with him than with me. I know she wouldn't want to hurt me, so I'd rather not let her know how badly this has wounded me because it would make her feel awful. Counseling is pretty much out of the question, because she would not be comfortable with that.

I feel like all I can do is find a way to get out of the picture and let her go on with her life, but I hate the thought of being away from her and our daughter because I love them both very much.

Do I have any options here, or am I as trapped as I feel?

This is what an unhappy marriage sounds like when people think of themselves as individuals just making their personal way the best they can through life, not wanting to hurt anybody and wanting to be happy and comfortable themselves.

And what about his 8-year-old daughter, a factor, a "complication"? She is the flesh and blood of the man and wife, he is her father. Doesn't he realize that he has a family, he started it with his wife, he is the head and responsible for it? It's not just a living arrangement gone sour.

For starters he can have it out with the so-called family friend. Family friends do not worm their way in between a man and his wife. Period. Sometimes you just want to slap a guy.

Comments

[Gene Godbold]

Does this man have no good men as friends to ask for advice? They should take the guy walking (and running after he gets into better shape) and tell him that he needs to exert some godly authority over his home. Iron sharpens iron but sometimes it may have to start by merely stiffening pudding.

[Kristi Herman]

Personally, I think the guy's excuses are saying a lot more about his real desire to end the marriage than his protests that he'd like it to continue.

[Christian]

I think he's tiptoeing lest he find himself with no access to his daughter except for child support and every other weekend if he's lucky.

[Joe Long]

Ummm...unless I missed something, he saw his NAME in an e-mail from a family friend, by his own account he read no further, and is now deeply melancholy and full of anxious self-pity? Why shouldn't an e-mail to his wife from a family friend include his name...?

Too eager the martyr here, methinks. "Oh...my name...I bet the two of them are exchanging endearments AND calling me 'fat', but I won't read further and SEE, instead I'll fantasize about them being happy together, leaving me alone in the nobility of self-sacrifice." He was already a pity-party looking for a place to happen!

[Philippa]

How does he know they're trying to deal with their emotions if only his name caught his eye and he read nothing further? It is amazing what the imagination can do with just a few words. I think he took a leap frog from seeing to speculating because he's the one feeling lousy about himself and the marriage. If he feels so lousy then HE should get into counseling, and go from there!