A Call for Hymn Parodies

In the comments on Cross? What Cross? Fr. Robert McMeekin offers a clever parody of "The Church's One Foundation":

Our Community's Stated Purpose

(Sung to the tune of "The Church's [sic] One [sic] Foundation [sic]")

Our community's stated purpose
Is gracious mass-appeal,
It's in our Mission Statement
Reflecting how we feel:
No "lifestyle choice" appalls us,
C'mon you're welcome here!
Throw out that moral compass,
There's no one here to steer.

This kind of thing is worth sharing with the wider world, specifically those who read Touchstone. I'm asking for parodies of the same sort, and if we get enough good ones to fill a page, we'll publish them in the magazine.

Now, as Fr. McMeekin has shown, the trick is to 1) either use a familiar hymn as your basis or a form that sounds like a classic hymn or, okay, praise song; 2) write a verse or verses that can be sung and sung well to its tune; and 3) write verses that are just close enough to what our liberals (defined very broadly) might say to be a plausible hymn. In other words, the funniest parody sounds like something they might sing with abandon, if they didn't have a little voice that tells them when they're going too far.

And even if we don't get enough to publish in the magazine, I'm hoping that much innocent merriment may be had in the effort. Please offer your hymns in the comments section.

Comments

[Clifford Simon]

It's not a hymn, but we'll get a laugh out of it anyway. (It's not original, either. I saw it on a bumper sticker. About the faith or lack thereof of the stickerist, I can't say.)

What Would Scooby Doo?

[Fr. Robert McMeekin]

So I guess I'll have to send in that subscription check after all. Alrighty then.

[Joe Long]

A holiday...well, a special seasonal day...offering:

Good People, Rejoice.

Good pe-ee-eeple, rejoice!
With ev'ry diverse voice;
Give you heed to joyous news:
We have all-inclusive pews!
Now you need not fear the church,
Friendly to each seeker’s search –
Broad is our pathway –
Broad is our pathway!

Good pee-ee-eeple, rejoice!
In ev’ry human cho-oi-oice;
Lifestyles are so fun to live
(‘Specially when Alternative)
Each respected equally
(And all at risk for HIV) –
(So please use one of these...
Please use one of these!)

Good peee-ee-eeple, be free-ee-ee,
From thinking narrow-lee-ee-ee;
Leave the old Book on the shelf –
Find your own way to Godself!
We’ve no more rock of offense –
Come bask in our tolerance!
Broad is our pathway –
Broad is our pathway!

[Joe Long]

Rise up, women, roughshod!
Have done with lesser feuds:
For by thy strength and sisterhood
Thy churches are subdued.

Rise up, women, and prod
Your males to church this day:
Fear not the patriarchal past -
Now it’s all done your way.

Rise up, and censor God!
Fret, harry, nag, and rage,
‘Til ne’er a masculine pronoun
Profane the sacred page!

Rise up, women roughshod!
Till all the word shall see -
And tremble in abject fear before
Thy sensitivity!

[Joe Long]

Someone stop me...please...

Non-Confrontation Hymn of the Republic

Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of Godself -
Emanating from penumbras there wherein the Godself dwellth -
S/he is sending forth suggestions we should socialize the wealth -

Godself is marching on!

She, he, it, they, you and meeeeee!
She, he, it, they, you and meeeeee!
She, he, it, they, you and meeeeee!
Godself is all of us!

I have seen Godself's reflection in Mohammed's Thousand Names,
And the Buddhist and the Hindu Godselves really are the same -
So don't try to be Godselfish and put down your old King James -
Godself is marching on...

[Wonders for Oyarsa]

Some of my favorites, from Daniel Kirk. They aren't particularly liberal-bashing, but fun to sing nonetheless.

As the Dog
To the tune of "As the Deer" (which incidentally isn't all that bad of a praise song)

As the dog returns tooooo his vomit
so a fool reeeeeturns to his folly
As a gold riiiiing in a pig's snout
is a woman without discretion
As a door turns on its hinges
so a sluggard turns on his bed
Better to live in a desert
than with an ill-tempered and quarrelsome wife.

Humble Thyself
Humble thyself in the sight of the Lord
Humble thyself in the sight of the Lord
Or He (or he)
Will Hum-(will hum)ble You
Lower and Lower
Or He (or he)
Will Hum-(will hum)ble You

[luthien]

I tried. I really did. But "When I survey the [social] Injustice," to the tune of "When I survey the Wondrous Cross" was just so wrong I couldn't write more than 4 lines, and bad ones at that.

When I survey the injustice
which on this planet earth abounds
the rich's gains should all be lost
redistributed to the Rest.

[luthien]

Ok, I have a second verse. It feels awfully woicked to write these, though.

When I behold the opression
to which all womyn are subjected
by evil patriarchal men
I turn to God for mothering.

[Mike]

Also set to “The Church’s One Foundation”

Our church’s one foundation
Is sensitivity
If you are seeking Jesus
This is the place to be
“Judge not lest ye be judged”
That is our only creed
If your lifestyle’s altered
We’ll meet all your felt needs

Our PowerPoints are brilliant
Thanks to the folks at Dell
We’ll take on any subject
That is, except for Hell
Our lives are full of purpose
Why don’t you come on in?
We won’t use ancient labels
Like “wickedness” and “sin”

We call ourselves authentic
(That means we cuss a ton)
We may not preach the Bible
But coffee’s always on.
Jesus, he has a message
For me as well as you
His wisdom for all seekers:
“To thine ownself be true.”

[RMC]

I'm slaving away over here. If the baby goes to sleep, I might have something to show for it.

[Stonechurch]

Joe Long - you've got me in stitches....:-)

[mr tall]

Joe, I'm extremely glad you didn't stop yourself before finishing that exquisite 'Godself' number.

[Dcn. Michael D. Harmon]

A Mighty Mother is Our God

A mighty Mother is our God
A nurturing presence daily.
A helper She amidst the flood
Of sexist males a-wailing.

Now still Her ancient foe,
The Pope in Rome must go.
His power it is failing.

Mid mystic runes and Druidic rites
We fill our chapels wholly
And give up bread and dark red wine
For quilting bees and doilies.

We won't confront you with your sin
Such things we've put behind us.
You're welcome here with any past
In truth, we will encourage lust.

So be done with priests and monks and such
And celebrate the Goddess.
She is the One for all our trust
She nevermore will chide us.

[GL]

Joe,

I have said it before and I repeat it now: if we exclude the professional, Dr. Esolen, because he lacks amateur status, then I nominate you for MC's poet laureate.

Thanks for the laughs, I needed them. I only wish that I could contribute to this thread, but, alas, I have not the poet's muse. My hat is off to you.

[GL]

You will perceive that these points are interrelated (except for the last, which is an example of the opposite extreme from the others):

Try to make them into you or what you wish you were rather than letting them develop their own strengths and interests.

Turn every childhood hobby into an adult endeavor. (e.g., baseball card collecting and trading becomes an investment activity; little league baseball becomes prep for the major leagues with practice and playing time consuming all of the family free time and stealing some time that is not free)

Give structure to every moment of their waking hours.

Pick one activity for them to devote all their time to in hopes that they develop extreme expertise in it. (As if Mozart was a prodigy because his parents forced him to play the piano and compose music when all he really wanted to do was run through the mud.)

Encourage spectator activities; discourage or don't find time for participatory activities.

[GL]

Oops. My last post was to the wrong thread. I reposted it to the correct thread (Let's Destroy That Imagination). Please remove it and this one.

[Kevin]

Joe -

My co-workers are all now wondering how image reconstruction algorithms could be so funny.

Keep 'em coming.

[Judy Warner]

Joe is good, but I have to nominate Dcn. Harmon. That made me laugh out loud.

[Fr. James M. Deschene]

New Episcopal Hymn/Tune:Aurelia

The Anglican Communion
Was mightily distressed
When bishops of ECUSA
Their heresies expressed,
And in Convention showed not
Repentance or regret,
But chose to walk their own path,
Firm in their own ways set.

Political correctness
And chic diversity --
These are our church’s hallmarks,
And quite our cup of tea.
We follow where the winds blow,
We are the church of NOW.
We’re new Episcopalians
And trendier than thou.

Our gospel is inclusive.
(The other one’s passé.)
We welcome all the sexes –
Transgendered, lesbigay.
And though we’re loudly preaching
Our relevant good news,
We are a tad perplexed by
So many empty pews.

“To God alone be glory” –
This used to be our song.
With Kathryn Jefferts Schori
It likely won’t be long
Before we change our lyric
And sing another tune –
Not Father, Son and Spirit,
But Mother, Child and Womb.

Our church has no foundation
And Christ is not her Lord.
She is our new creation
By our own mighty word.
The Bible’s too oppressive,
And morals leave us bored.
Who then is our salvation?
It’s our own selves – adored.

[Clifford Simon]

Demanded Grace! How right the sound
That hastens God my plea:
I once was raw, but now the Law
Reached tend'rly out to me.

'Twas Grace that taught me ne'er to fear
And Grace makes us the same:
How easy does that Grace appear
The hour I might feel blame.

Through many dangers, toils and snares
I have already went.
(Alas, if I leave more for you!
I can't think to repent!)

When we've stayed here ten thousand years
And thought ourselves the sun
It's no less crime to waste God's time
Than when we first begun.

[David Mills]

Gosh, you people are clever. I'd be grateful if those of you who did not include e-mail addresses would send me yours in case we can use your entry. Send it to editor[ampersand]touchstonemag.com .

Please keep it up.

[David Fischler]

I've written severals hymns, but this wasn't an easy assignment. Here's my first try. What do y'all think:

To the tune of "Seek Ye First"

Seek ye first the kingdom of Self
And your own fulfillment,
And ev'ry thing your heart desires,
Will come to you, alleluia.

Look to the needs that stir your soul,
Proclaim them to the world;
Demand what's yours by Divine right,
Take what you want, alleluia.

Know what gladdens your Inner Child
Look to your own happiness;
If chanting mantras floats your boat,
Go for the gold, alleluia.

Do all you can to sate yourself,
But watch that carbon footprint;
Worship the earth, and do as you please
Allelu, alleluia!

[Todd Mitchell]

To the tune of "Standing on the Promises:"

Standin' on the promises is kinda hard
When you're wearin' roller blades and puffin' hard
If I figure out just how to stop these things...
Whoa! Watch out I'm goin' down a hill!

SKATING! SKATING! Skating like my hair's on fire and there's no stoppin'!
SKATING! SKATING! This beats a boring service any day!

If you haven't tried it then you gotta try!
Boring weepy music only makes you cry
Strap 'em on and join me we'll go hand-in-hand!
Skatin' like we're goin' down the aisle!

SKATING! SKATING! Skating like my hair's on fire and there's no stoppin'!
SKATING! SKATING! This beats a boring service any day!

There's a piece of candy in it for you now!
You'll get a plastic jewel in your kid club crown
Show Him just how happy you're whole life is now!
If you're saved you ought to anyway!

SKATING! SKATING! Skating like my hair's on fire and there's no stoppin'!
SKATING! SKATING! This beats a boring service any day!

Whoopie! This is awesome don't you think, my friend?
This sure beats a boring service without end
Put 'er there we'll shake on it and sing again!
A few more minutes and it all will end!

SKATING! SKATING! Skating like my hair's on fire and there's no stoppin'!
SKATING! SKATING! This beats a boring service any day!

[Christopher Hathaway]

to the tune of "Crown Him with Many Crowns"

Take down the crucifix
That patriarchal sign
Is out of step with our idea
Of life and love divine.
It speaks of pain and fear
And only can oppress,
A symbol of a wrathful god
And faith we can’t confess

Cast out the hateful ones
Who say we must repent.
We know that goddess made us good
And guilt’s not heaven sent.
However we are born,
That’s how we’re meant to be.
There is no right or wrong in love.
We love diversity.

Remove the texts that speak
Of sin and awful wrath.
Cast out the old judgmental thoughts
And take another path,
Affirming as it winds
To broad inclusive gates.
The bliss of everyone’s desire
Is surely what awaits

[David Mills]

More good things. I write to make an embarrassing request: one of you did write me to send his e-mail address and I deleted the message accidentally (I go online every morning to delete all the spam, dozens and sometimes hundreds of messages, before downloading my mail). I apologize for this and ask the writer to write again.

[Bobby Winters]

((To the tune of "I lift your name on high". Repeat 2 dozen times.)
Lord, I feel like getting high
Like going to the races,
I ate a peanut butter sandwich
and it's stuck here in my braces

You came upon this turf
To show the fay
For what its worth
to Wed the gay
From the bird to the sauce
From the sauce to the pie
Lord, I feel like getting high

[John]

An Environmental Hymn/Her.

Tune: Old Hundredth.

All people who on earth do dwell
Sing to Ga-ia with cheerful voice
Earth serve with fear, the green bin choose,
Come ye before it and re-use.

All activists of greenish stripe
All smokers of the hashish pipe
Render to earth its bounden due
And join with Mother Gaia's crew.

The ice caps are melting apace,
The forests dying without trace,
The earth is raped! The end is nigh!
And we note, with heaving sigh

Administrative fa-i-lure
To ratify, join and assure
The Protocol for Greenhouse gas
No planting bigger biomass.

Defend, O Gaia, self divine,
Advance thou green agendas mine,
Cut off opponents without ruth,
Deaf to Inconvenient Truth.

Amen.

[Joe Long]

(To "A Mighty Fortress")

Of left-wing causes is our church
Eternally supportive.
From fad to modern fad we lurch,
Each shallower and more short-lived.
Our consciousness is raised,
By media we’re praised!
Our craft and power are great –
Abetted by the state,
On earth is not our equal!

Did we to Christian truth restrict
Ourselves, ‘twould be horrendous.
Its letter cold would contradict
Our self-indulgent splendors.
Let creed and conscience go
And decency also;
The Lord’s name we intone
For reasons of our own –
Advancing our agendas.

[Matt]

Blake's "Jerusalem"

And did those feet in ancient time
walk upon England's mountains green?

And was the hylosaurus
On England's pleasant pastures seen?

And did the countenance lizardine
shine forth upon our clouded hills?

And was Chicxulub smashed here
among these dark Satanic mills?

Bring me my spade of flashing steel!
Bring me my brush of camel-hair!

Bring me my naming rights! O dirt, reveal!
Bring me my new species!

I will not cease from excavation,
nor shall my trowel sleep in my hand,

Till we have found a dinosaur
in England's green and pleasant land.

[Patrick Davis]

I'm a little late in the game here...

Sung to "Jesus, Keep Me Near the Cross"

Jesus, keep me from the cross;
Be more understanding.
Free to all--it better be;
Thus I am demanding.

(everybody now!) From the cross, from the cross!
I am ill-at-ease!
I would rather have to learn
Mandarin Chinese.

Jesus, keep me from the cross;
It's a bit too gory.
If You want some relevance
Tell a diff'rent story

From the cross, etc.

Jesus keep me from the cross;
I must keep my distance.
I think I can find my own
Path of least resistance.

From the cross, etc.

[Rob Grano]

Nice, Patrick. That's a perfect recasting of one of the fave old Baptist hymns of my youth!

[Patrick Davis]

Well, I couldn't resist...

Just as I am without one need,
'Cause that's the way Thou madest me
And that Thou guardeth my self-esteem
Oh Womb of Godde I come, I come!

Just as I am, no need for change.
It isn't me but the church that's strange;
And certain texts we'll rearrange
Oh Womb of Godde I come, I come!

Ok, just one more...

My Jesus, I love me
I know I am fine.
If I were a Hindu
I would be divine!
I am quite astonishing, I think that You agree.
Enough about You now, let's sing more about me!

[GL]

Brilliant, Patrick!

[Gene Godbold]

At the throne of Moloch
Every knee must bow
Only children wanted
Avoid dismemb'ring now.
'Tis a sacred duty
To cut or tie thy tubes
While those who procreate,
treat like backward rubes.

[Stuart Koehl]

>>>Till we have found a dinosaur
in England's green and pleasant land.<<<

It was, of course, in England that the first fossil dinosaur was excavated (am Iguandon), back in 1822, when Blake still walked the earth!

[Deacon Jim]

My poor contribution...

Morning has broken, like the first morning
I'm walking the labyrinth, with my travelers
We've found the way here, sister did Reiki
That God guy's amazing, he comes from the world

Sweet the rain's new fall, sunlit from my candle
Like the first dewfall, on the first protozoans
Praise for the wonder, us from the apes
Sprung in completeness, here by accident

Mine is the sunlight, mine is the morning
Mine is everything, Just what I want
Praise me a lot, give me my due
I bring you Jesus, that philosopher guy.

[Steve Hayes]

Not original (published in the 1960s in "Quake, quake, quake" -- wish I could find a copy:

The day God gave thee, man, is ending
The darkness falls at thy behest
Who spent thy little life defending
From conquest by the East, the West.

The sun that bids us live is waking
Behind the cloud that bids us die
And in the murk fresh minds are making
New plans to blow us all sky high.

[Steve Hayes]

Not original (published in the 1960s in "Quake, quake, quake" -- wish I could find a copy:

The day God gave thee, man, is ending
The darkness falls at thy behest
Who spent thy little life defending
From conquest by the East, the West.

The sun that bids us live is waking
Behind the cloud that bids us die
And in the murk fresh minds are making
New plans to blow us all sky high.

[Patrick Davis]

Man, this is addictive.

Crown us with many crowns, each one upon his throne.
Hark! How our faith in Progress drowns
All voices but our own!
Awake, forget the past for glory lies ahead,
And justice we shall have at last
When all dissent is dead.

Crown us the lords of life, for science tells us all.
An end shall come to war and strife
When all men heed our call.
We'll ensure equal rights, consult minorities,
Destroy all the Religious Right,
And make insurance free.

Stalin was not so bad; our admiration's grown.
Those labor camps were just a fad,
It's all been overblown!
And Castro still is key, just ask the NCC.
What heavenly bliss it must be
To live communally!

[James A. Altena]

This is not exactly what the editors requested, since it negatively comments upon modern revisionist theology, rather than reflect it, but here's a parody regarding the so-called 1979 Book of Common Prayer. It can be applied just as well to other modern liturgies.

(Tune: St. Athanasius -- 1940 Hymnal #270)

(Note: SLC = Standing Liturgical Committee; TEC = The Episcopal Church)

Wholly, wholly, wholly bored!
Godless rot, infernal thing,
By the heav'ns and earth abhorred;
Angels and Archangels cringe.
Ranting everlastingly --
That's the modern Liturgy!

Since the SLC it made,
And to TEC did give,
Be to them blood money paid,
Blame to them let all things give!
Reeking everlastingly --
That's the modern Liturgy!

Thousands, tens of thousands stand,
Spirits crushed, they writhe and groan,
Blathering upon command,
Banalities as they moan.
Whining everlastingly --
That's the modern Liturgy!

Cherubim and seraphim
Veil their faces with their wings;
Eyes of angels with tears brim
To behold such wretched things.
Weeping everlastingly
At the modern Liturgy!

Thee, apostles, prophets, thee,
Thee, the noble martyr band,
Hide, so that you might not see
This, the Church now built on sand.
Rotting everlastingly --
That's the modern Liturgy!

Modalism! One as Three
Mother, Child, Spirit -- not Ghost!
Each week new idolatry,
Blaspheming the heav'nly host.
Changing everlastingly --
That's the modern Liturgy!

[Bill R]

I like your sentiments, James...but who is going to sing this? ;-)

[Nathan]

Sung to the tune of Faith of Our Fathers by Frederick W. Faber
(music: St. Catherine)

Faith of our Mothers, living still,
in spite of the Patriarchy.
O’ see our chins held high with joy,
as we defeat the bourgeoisie.
Faith of our Mothers! Gaia faith!
We shall be true to Thee till death!

Jesus our Mother and our friend,
with us thou doest surely agree:
Muhammad, Buddha and Ganesh,
great prophets all equal to Thee.
Faith of our Mothers! Sophia!
We shall be true to Thee till death!

Spirit our Womb, giver of life
Lead us to Thy truth pluiform.
Convert those who, with narrow minds,
try to undo our Church reforms.
Faith of our Mothers! Open mind!
We shall be true to Thee till death!

Mother, O’ Mother, maker of all,
who gives us equal dignity:
gay and straight, Christian and not,
each welcome to this altar of She.
Faith of our Mothers! Newfound Faith!
We shall be true to Thee till death!

[Mike R.]

"As the Dog
To the tune of "As the Deer" (which incidentally isn't all that bad of a praise song)"

Hilarious! I've used that joke for years now. Great minds think alike.

[Bill S.]

Spare us, Lord Jesus - hands off our true nature
Guppies transgender, and we feel we should too
No more than chimpanzees - we act as we d*mn well please
We're going to turn your church into a zoo.

[Ex-Episcalopian]

That church's one foundation
Is big fat Henry's bed.
He married Anne Boleyn.
But she soon would lose her head.
And through these years of tumult,
When "truths" were ours to pick,
We have no common doctrine,
Our pastor's now a chick.

[Eric]

Just came across this site. Wonderful parodies. I've got one:

"Then sings my soul, my Savior God to Thee . . .
Don't play your part. You're just some art.
Everyone knows, back then in Galilee . . .
Times weren't like this. You're just a myth."

Of course, I don't believe word of THAT! What an empty way to live. Thanks for the jump-in. Ta!